Let me step up onto my soapbox for a minute...and warn you that I am doing so.
I have recently become aware that I am offended by the following statement: "I don't know how you do it. I could never stay at home with my kids all day long."
Why is this okay to say? I have heard it from multiple women. Usually said in a half-adimring, half-pitying kind of way, it's supposed to be laughed at. I'm supposed to respond by saying, "Oh, I know...I barely stay sane, at home with toddlers all day. Believe me, I envy YOU. Your identity is still intact."
Okay--deep breath. Let's back up. I am fully aware that my choice is my own, that my reasons are my own, and that no other woman is like me. I am not writing this to talk about those choices. The subject here is the inherent attitude these kinds of comments reveal: that women who stay at home with their kids have lost a part of themselves; are lesser women because they don't work; are doing something any sane person would avoid; are in a position to be pitied; or don't have as much to offer society and therefore just hang out at home.
Don't believe me? Think I am making waaaaay too big a deal out of this? What if I were to say "I don't know how you do it. I could never leave my children with someone else while I went to work." It's the reverse of the statement, and holds the same amount of inherent judgment and disapproval. I would NEVER get away with saying something like this! And I don't want to. Obviously, it's not loving. It's a sinful, judgmental attitude.
Maybe I'm just asking for a little awareness. I know it's easy to let comments like this slip out. Especially ones you hear others say all the time. But this one stings. It's a backhanded compliment. It's rude.
So, don't say this to me. Or to any other stay-at-home mom. And, if you stay at home, and have someone say this to you, respond lovingly. But truthfully! Let's not allow ourselves to get bogged down. Respond with a cheerful, "I love it! Wouldn't have it any other way!" or even, "It's hard work, but it's the only work I wanna do."
3 comments:
Amen, sister.
It's amazing how women say that with this air of complete bafflement... like, what do they think we DO all day? Nothing? Read US magazine while the kids run around the house screaming and hitting each other?
That's sad. I bet her kids miss her during the day.
It's an age-old doublespeak that on it's surface seems a compliment to the stay-at-home mom, but is actually a sugar-coated arrow of insult, likely meant to hide the speakers feelings of guilt. I'm sad for those who don't have the choice, and sadder for those who make the wrong choice. I will tell you this...I'm 50 years old and still remember vividly the desperate wish that my mom would come soon to pick me up from after-school care. The minutes felt like hours. I know she hated it as much as I didn.
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